I woke up feeling shitty today. My eyes are puffy, my skin dry, my nose stuffy. I don’t used to be like this after a night of crying. I used to bawl my eyes out and still wake up feeling fresh as if a new day REALLY does bring a fresh start to everything. Ah… the naivety of being young.

To make things worse, i only slept for 4 hours. I can’t sleep well with anger and self pity pent up inside of me.

I always wondered if the TV drama i used to watched are for real. I mean where did the director get those ideas? It must be from experience or maybe tales from a friend of a friend of a friend of his, right? Meet dad (A), mom (B), child (C) and another child (D). C treat A and B like dirt. D slave over A and B but A and B treat D like dirt. A and B worship the pavement C walks on. I stopped watching. I already know it’s for real.

Sometimes i wonder whether i’m adopted. Maybe i’m Cinderella of some kind. But it can’t be. I have my mother’s features. So i blame it on the middle child syndrome. You know… all those crap about middle child feeling inferior, a loner and not having a sense of belonging and the insecurities that comes with it. I blame it on paranoia too. These days i’m best of friends with paranoia. Well, whatever it is i’m pretty sure i’m not born to be screamed at everyday… or maybe i am…

Nothing i do is up to par. Good grades never earned me compliments. Promotions doesn’t earn respect here. Money i make never is enough. I’m never thin enough or tall enough or fat enough or fast enough or pretty enough. Unlike everybody else. So one day i stopped caring. If everyone thinks i’m a loser so be it.

But then there is always a flicker of false hope… and i start caring again.

It sucks that i’m over mid twenties (just slightly alright?) and i’m still living with my ungrateful parents and with the rest of the ungrateful family members. At times like this i wish i have a place of my own.

Why is life so hard…