I’m back on reading again. This time it’s “Talk to the Snail: Ten Commandments for Understanding the French” by Stephen Clarke. (Actually there are 11 Commandments in the book so i have no idea why it says 10). This book is fantastic. Really. Read on.
It’s obviously a Monsieur Snail not a Madame Snail
Steven Clarke (the author) is an actual Englishman who had been living in France for the past 12 years. Here, he presents his experience in France where he outline the Ten Commandments (yes, 10 Commandments as in the Bible) of surviving in France.
Ok, now you’re thinking that this is another book about boring travel tips and travel facts from a wannabe backpacker, right? Wrong. Talk to the Snail is a combination of a little bit of vulgarity, a little bit of insensitivity, a little bit of discrimination plus a whole lot of cheekiness. In this book, Clarke criticizes the French mercilessly yet it’s obvious that he love the country to bits. His witty and frank description of his encounters in the country is hysterical. It had me chuckling so loud in the bookstore. *paiseh…
Even the dedication page shows how painfully “honest” Clarke is.
“
To the French my sincere apologies”
- Quoted from Talk to the Snail -
I won’t ruin the book for you by detailing everything here although i’m really tempted coz i’m evil but the book is separated into 11 Commandments.
1) Thou Shalt Be Wrong (if you’re not French)
2) Thou Shalt Not Work
3) Thou Shalt Eat
4) Thou Shalt Be Ill
5) Thou Shalt Speak French
6) Thou Shalt Not Sing
7) Thou Shalt Not Know
8) Thou Shalt Not Love Thy Neighbour
9) Thou Shalt Not Be Served
10) Thou Shalt Not Be Polite
11) Thou Shalt Say I Love You
By the time you’re done with this book you’ll at least learn how to get good service from the grumpiest waiter; be exquisitely polite and brutally rude at the same time; know why French woman is not fat; learn the language of love and French porn amongst the many things. Most important is this book have sections on every chapter that’ll help you master a few useful but tricky French words.
Here’s some of my favorite taken from the book.
J’aimerais juste un baiser = I just want a kiss.
J’aimerais juste baiser = I just want to get laid.
Baisse-toi = Duck your head down
Baise-toi = Screw yourself
Be careful of your pronunciation or you’ll get a black eye over nothing.
Last and not least…
J’aise eu un malaise = I felt ill
J’aise ei une malaise = I shagged a Malaysian woman.
Isn’t that useful information? I think France is going to have more visitors this time around LOL.
Note to myself. Check out Steven Clarke’s other best seller “A Year in the Merde”. I bet it’s going to be equally entertaining.
